1. Kim Jong No Longer Il After a long battle with his own inflated ego, Kim Jong Il passed away this week. No word on who will get his massive pirated DVD collection, but I know a guy. Just saying.

2. Coming Soon: Stockville. Social media magnate Zynga, the creators of Farmville and other Facebook games, was valued at $11 per share this week, or around $8 billion. Which, interestingly enough, is how much a bushel of virtual carrots costs.

3. Kobe Bryant Double Dribbles. Apparently Kobe was all out of $4 million diamond rings, because his wife Vanessa finally filed for divorce this week, ending years of tension nobody cares about.

4. Katy Perry Definately Something of the Year, All Right. MTV named Katy Perry its artist of the year, beating out such luminaries as Adele, the disembodied voice of Amy Winehouse, and Rebecca Black. Now, Katy has had a single in the Billboard Top 20 for over a year now, which is an impressive feat, but I still say that Justin Bieber got robbed.

5. The War in Iraq Is Finally Over. And I, for one, couldn’t be happier. Merry Christmas, everybody!