All Mediocre Things Part II….

Last Week: The fate of the WWE Universe was not resolved, but Triple H learned the true fate of his daughter, the mysterious Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque.

Triple H: Uhh…how?

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque: I was living a normal life, a tween on the run, reading stupid vampire novels and taking the family jet to Milan and sipping cocktails with all the best koalas. One day I was in Cannes screening the latest WWE Film The Marine VIII: Dinner at Bennigans starring WWE Champion Curt Hawkins-

Curt Hawkins: I knew it would happen eventually! In your face, Tyler Reks!

Tyler Reks: Aw….

Aurora: When suddenly, who comes crashing up onto the beach but Ric Flair and some sort of bear riding on a raft.

Mark Henry: Man, I’m gonna kill that bear! YOU HEAR THAT BEAR IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY?! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

Aurora: He told me that he’d accidentally helped you destroy the wrestling industry and the WWE Universe as a whole, and asked me if I’d come back, become a wrestler and watch you, then as soon as you started that feud with Kane, poke you in the kneecap and blow your quad.

HHH: That sounds like a pretty reasonable plan. I don’t believe for a second that Ric came up with that.

Aurora: Oh, most of that came from the bear.

Henry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

HHH: Ok, fine. Say I believe this, which I don’t, what happened?

Aurora: Well, here’s the problem. I didn’t realize that it takes a LONG TIME to become a professional wrestler. I mean, I couldn’t just cash in on my McMahon family name, that’d be giving it away. So I bribed Al Snow to get me on Tough Enough. But it also turns out that I’m terrible at wrestling.

HHH: Just like your mother.

Aurora: And my father. So I just cried all the time, hoping that everybody would feel bad for me, and they did, and pretty soon I got a job in WWE doing pretty much nothing. I just wandered around backstage hoping nobody would notice that I wasn’t really up to anything other than crying for my lost youth, and almost nobody did. But then Todd Grisham caught onto me and was trying to get me fired, and he was actually successful about a half a dozen times, but I always showed back up the next week and everybody acted like nothing happened.

The Undertaker: Hey, I remember Todd. What ever happened to that creepy creep face?

Aurora: I guess he committed suicide 354 times.

Taker: That guy’s a real champ.

Aurora: But the fact is, I missed my opportunity. I couldn’t stop you from sexing up that mannequin and altering the course of pro wrestling forever. I was a huge failure.

HHH: So why wait 10 years to hatch that stupid plot to take me out? We were going fine right up until you and Zack Ryder showed up.

Taker: That was actually my fault. I got kind of pissed about you taking me out at Wrestlemania, right after I’d found the perfect theme song to properly convey how both ancient and badass I truly was. Then I got in touch with RAW General Manager Demon Girl to take you out, and Demon Girl got Tough Eno…Aurora Borealis to do the job.

Aurora: It turns out that Demon Girl found out about me coming back here, so she followed me back in time and conspired with me to end this WWE Universe forever, hopefully saving the rest of the world from being dragged into this sucky vortex along with the rest of us.

HHH: Oh, and how’d she go back in time? There’s only one raft for Ric to steal.

Former RAW General Manager Demon Girl: Quite simple really. Rob Van Dam came and picked me up on his mysterious dragon and my mentor The Great Togrish and we flew back in time so that I could take over RAW. What I didn’t expect is you stealing my job, Dad.

HHH: Hahaha. Sorry about that…Wait…what?!

Aurora: Oh please! Don’t tell me that you don’t recognize your other daughter either! Even now?!

HHH: No way! I simply refuse to believe this. Even in the confines of a wrestling angle, this makes no sense. I draw the line at TWO time traveling daughters.

Demon Girl: No, she’s right, dad. It’s me. Murphy Brown McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque.

Edge: OBJECTION!

Taker: Wait…is the trial still going on even? I thought we were all stopping to gape at this time traveling daughters drama.

Edge: Hey, this is all I can do now, so don’t take it away from me. Anyway, I clearly remember Demon Girl saying she was your daughter.

Taker: Er…yeah. Hey! Sustained! I sort of remember that. Though I don’t really remember having any kids.

Murphy: In the not too distant future, my mom ascends to a higher plane and dad moves in with you at the funeral parlor and you raise me and my sister Vaughn Vince McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque as two dads. It’s pretty comedic.

HHH: Stephanie died in your alternate future?!

Murphy: What? No. She became a Scientologist.

HHH: That’s even worse!

Taker: How’d you become a demon girl then? I’d be an awesome two dads!

Murphy: It turns out that Jack Chick was right all along.

Edge: Err…Are we ever going to get a verdict in this thing?

Taker: Absolutely. Maybe. Absolutely maybe. Do the counsels want to make their closing statements?

Nunzio: OBJECTION! I haven’t even gotten to call any star witnesses or do awesome cross-examinations yet!

Taker: Do you have any awesome star witnesses?

Nunzio: Well, I though Nidia-

Taker: Nunzio….

Nunzio: No, your honor.

Taker: And would cross examining Aurora Borealis or Murphy Brown really revealed anything? Are you even capable of forming coherent questions for them?

Nunzio: *sigh* No.

Taker: Overruled then. Edge?

Edge: I’d like to remind the court that I’ve never, in twenty years lost a case. I’ve never won one either, but I think that’s irrelevant. The fact of the matter is, you can clearly see that Triple H is a menace to the WWE Universe. We throw around phrases like “Glass Ceiling” and “Holding Down” and “Had sex with a mannequin” around a lot, but tell me, members of the non-existent jury, can any one of us say that we haven’t wanted a glass ceiling? Or to hold someone close to us? Or had sex with a mannequin? Hey, babe!

Lita: Hey there yourself.

Kane: You leave her alone!

Edge: But the truth is, Triple H is still guilty. Guilty as sin. Because all of us would be terrible at running the WWE. He just got to it first. And the nepotism! I mean it’s running wild in here brother! WWE’s backstage producer? Tough Enough Jessie, aka Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Leveseque! The RAW General Manager? Murphy Brown McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque!

HHH: I didn’t eve-

Taker: SHH!

Edge: Can a girl get a salad here? I mean, that’s my order in the court! A nice pepperoni salad! Or maybe a taco salad! But you don’t believe me that Triple H has done a bad job running WWE and destroyed the WWE universe as we know it? Just look at the two WWE champions right now!

CM Punk: Hey.

Daniel Bryan: Yo.

Edge: Seriously? Those guys? Ugh. I think I’ve made my point. Hang him! Or…whatever.

Taker: Nunzio, your rebuttal?

Nunzio: I’ve worked for a lot of guys over the years, and Triple H is the only one who’s ever actually paid me. But then again, he’s also the only one who’s ever fired me, so he can rot in hell as far as I’m concerned.

HHH: Dude! Come on! That’s the best you can do?

Nunzio: No, but that’s the best you’re getting. Maybe you should’ve thought of that before you fired me twice.

HHH: Your honor, with all due respect, I’d like to declare a mis-trial, this guy clearly doesn’t have my best interest at heart.

Taker: To be entirely fair, Hunter, none of us do. We just haven’t had a really good trial since JBL left or died or whatever happened. But if it makes you feel any better, I’m not going to hang you.

HHH: Oh thank The Big Fella in the Sky.

Taker: No, I’m commuting your sentence to being torn apart atom by atom by the WWE Universe.

HHH: That’s hardly better!

Taker: Hey, rules are rules. But hey! #HHHDies is trending on Twitter right now, so you’ve got to love that, right?

HHH: I hope that one day the Internet avenges me.

Nunzio: Are you really that out of touch?

Taker: Tommy, take this guy to the Vortex of Suck.

Tommy Dreamer: ECDub! ECDub!

Tommy Dreamer drags Hunter out the door.

Lita: See, that’s why we never worked out. Last week you were the executioner. Now you’re just relegated to “Guy in the Gallery” while Tommy Dreamer steals your spot.

Kane: If you get back with me I promise to wear a welding mask to bed every night.

Lita: Sold! I needed a little more Kane anyway.

At the Vortex of Suck….

Taker: Well, any last words?

Dreamer: I DID IT ALL FOR YOU BEULAH!

Taker: I meant for Hunter.

HHH: Suck it!

Taker: How apropos. Ok, toss him in.

Aurora: I’ll dedicate an episode of my Animal Planet show to you! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Murphy: Ne quis manducaverit daemonia!

Zack Ryder: Take care! Spike your hair!

HHH: What is he doing here?!

Ryder: I’m actually Vaughn Vince McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque!

HHH: WHAT?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Ryder: Woo Woo Woo! You know it, bro.

Aurora: Yeah. Time travel does weird things sometimes. Laters!

And then Tommy pushes him in.

Next Week: The End of an Error

All Mediocre Things….(Part I)

Last Week: Triple H agreed to go back on trial thanks to the helpful interjection of a really pathetic Tommy Dreamer and the Ghost of Wrestling Past himself The Undertaker. What will happen…TONIGHT?!

Triple H sits alone in the ring.

Triple H: Err…Don’t I get a trial? Or something?

The Voice of the Undertaker: Of course. Your lawyer is just running late.

Nunzio: I’m here! I’m here! Sorry. I just keep getting fired, so I stopped answering my phone. What’ve I got lined up? Refereeing? Wrestling? …Sexual favors?

Taker: Nothing like that. You’re defending Triple H in a court case that, if he loses, will tear apart the fabric of the WWE Universe, but if he wins will be the end of professional wrestling forever, but will grant you at least one Twizzler.

Nunzio: Nothing serious then, huh? We got this, big lug. I’m gonna get us that Twizzler.

HHH: Not to harp on your defensive abilities…whoever you are…but do you actually have a law degree? Or something?

Nunzio: No, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night!

HHH: You-

Nunzio: Just kidding, Hunter! Geez! I got my degree from an online college! I passed the bar in Cambodia.

Taker: Close enough for me!

HHH: I’m somewhat less enthusiastic about this.

Edge: If it makes you feel any better, I’m still running the prosecution, and I haven’t gotten any better.

HHH: That actually does make me feel about 22% better.

Edge: So, you’ve been accused of basically ruining professional wrestling. How do you plead?

HHH: I’m sort of guilty, I guess? In terms of having sex with that mannequin. Not our proudest moment, admittedly. But come on! I’m the King!

Edge: Yeah, but so am I.

William Regal: I am also a king.

Sheamus: I’m the king too, fella.

CM Punk: I’M KING OF THE HOBOS!

Evan Bourne: People keep telling me I’m the king of Israel lately.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Booker T: King Booker SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Claudio Castagnoli: Where’s Chris Hero, anyway? We’re the Kings of Wrestling.

Triple H: Yeah, but I’m the King of Kings! On your knees, Doug.

Doug Basham: W…What the hell, man? I haven’t even been in WWE for five years! Leave me alone!

The Undertaker: Ah! But you’re not the true king of kings. Because the shocking swerve is that your daughter Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque is actually the daughter of Stephanie and Shane!

HHH: No way! Chris Tian! Is that true?!

Chis Tian: How the hell am I supposed to know? I mean, it’s probably true. I would have sex with Shane.

Tommy Dreamer: It is true! It is true! I saw it and then Shane threw me off the Titantron!

Steve Blackman: That was me!

Dreamer: Well, I was thrown off something sometime. Let’s not get bogged down in the semantics of who got thrown off of what by who.

Nunzio: Objection!

Taker: Huh?

Nunzio: Relevance. The witness has clearly taken too many kendo stick shots to the head and he’s just babbling about whatever we’re talking about.

Taker: ….

Nunzio: What?

Taker: Er…Sustained. You’re probably right!

HHH: Great job, Steve-o!

Hornswoggle: Hey, guys. I know I was supposed to play the dwarf in this scenario, because “Ha ha, he’s an actual dwarf!” but I’d really appreciate it if I could be the strapping commander of the horse army who gets to have sex with the beautiful foreign princess.

Tyler Reks: Well what the hell am I supposed to do then?

Taker: Nothing. Just like normal.

Reks: Har har. I’m totally going to make a cartoon about this. It’s going to rock the foundation of this company SO hard.

Kelly Kelly Kelly: As the figurehead of the WWE Divas, I’d like to assert that none of these so called “kings” should have any control of the wrestling industry! What we need is a queen.

Hornswoggle: You tell them, baby!

Randy Orton: Karly Karly Karly, as much as I love your perpetuity, I can’t not degree with your clam to the WMD throne!

Hornswoggle throws a pot over Orton’s head.

Orton: I can’t not see! What tockery is this?! You can’t not fool the Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the RVD Girl’s Chocolatechip Ranky Q. Morgan!

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!

Orton falls over. Orton wins!

HHH: Rob, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in TNA or something?

RVD: Oh yeah! I totally forgot about that! I’m contractually obligated to show up at TNA events and not have sex! Yeah! All right!!

Hornswoggle: They really don’t let you do that up there?

Chris Tian: Yeah, or else everybody’d be married to Karen Jarrett by now.

HHH: Chris Tian! Perfect! I want you to be my Hand for this trial.

Tian: Ew, gross. No.

HHH: Not like that! You just have to defend my honor against your brother here.

Nunzio: Isn’t that what I’m doing?

HHH: Rather poorly.

Dolph Ziggler: Well, this trial is a sham anyway! Everybody knows Triple H is guilty. There isn’t a person here in this strangely huge room who hasn’t been held down by him at one time or another except Undertaker. I mean who knows what could’ve happened if he hadn’t interfered and taken over WWE? Or if he hadn’t destroyed the industry’s credibility by sexing up that doll? Why…Test could’ve been the biggest star the industry has ever seen!

Everyone shudders.

Dolph: Ok. Ok. Too far. But you know what? I don’t care. If I’m going in on this, I’m going all in. First of all, I mean to save the wrestling industry with my inoffensive matches and vaguely entertaining promos (#Heel) and I’m going to marry the woman of my dreams and we’re going to skyrocket to superstardom!

Vickie Guerrero: Finally!

Dolph: Finally, I’m marrying Stacy Keibler! My Darling Stacy!

Stacy Keibler: I…Never agreed to this. I’m supposed to be at Clooney Manor right now and-

Dolph: Perfect! Now, as for Triple H, let’s just get this over with. Off with his head!

Dolph Ziggler: Off with his head!

HHH: Woah woah woah woah! You don’t want to behead me! Behead my hand! Err…wait! Don’t do that! Behead Chris Tian!

Tian: No! What sense does that even make? You can’t just go around beheading me! I never agreed to be anybody’s Hand anyway! I’m still not sure what that means!

AJ Lee: Don’t worry, Chris, I’ll always remember you!

Tian: Thanks? Maybe?

Kane grabs Christian and beheads him.

Edge: Ob…objection!

Taker: Overruled. That was cool.

Nunzio leans over to HHH.

Nunzio: I think we’re winning.

HHH: I don’t know. I think we could‘ve used more Kane. Let him behead everybody.

Kelly: Ok! Guys! I know nobody would listen to me earlier, but I’ve got a new plan. Instead of marrying Hornswoggle or Randy Orton or whatever, I’ve got a guy here who will take beat everybody up and let me take over.

Daniel Bryan: I thought this was going to be a Tupperware party.

Kelly: Yeah, well if I told you that it was a trial to determine the fate of the world, would you have come?

Bryan: I don’t know. Probably?

Kelly: Well, you’re here now! So go! Defend my honor!

Bryan: You lied to me!

Punk: Hey, Dragon! Forget that broad. She’s not any good anyway. Come over here and hang out with the Hobo Crew.

Mark Henry: I’m taking this can of beans to the HALL OF PAIN! WHICH IS IN MY STOMACH! GET IN MY STOMACH BEANS!

Bryan: I can’t eat beans. They’ve got too much meat in them.

Taker: Somehow I feel that I’ve lost control of these proceedings. Order in the court! Order in the court!

Henry: I’LL TAKE MORE BEANS! MY ORDER IS FOR MORE BEANS! MORE OF THEM! DOUBLE THE BEANS!

Taker: I…Ugh. Never mind. I’m declaring a brief recess. I’ll be back in five minutes. Nobody touch anything.

BONG!

Edge: He’s gone! Everybody start touching everything!

Nunzio: Objection!

HHH: Oh man. Would it have killed you to watch an episode of Perry Mason or something first?

Nunzio: I once teamed with Perry Saturn. That’s awfully close. Now where’d Taker go? I was about to call Dawn Marie to the stands so we could talk about tire tracks!

HHH: Oh, I think she knows a little something about tire tracks! Know what I mean? Hahahahahahaha!

Nunzio: Hahahahahahahaha!

HHH: Hahahahahahahaha!

Nunzio: Wait. No. I don’t know what you mean.

HHH: I…uh…I swear I had something there, but maybe not.

Punk: I’ll give one thing to you Hunter, you may be a egomaniacal, stupid bastard who has attempted to ruin my career about seven different times, but you really know how to throw an end of the world party.

HHH: This isn’t a party, it’s a trial! My trial! And I’ve done all sorts of bad things, but I just want a chance to defend myself and my position in the wrestling industry! I didn’t just show up and marry the bosses’ daughter! I worked my way up from the middle and then married the bosses daughter!

Nunzio: And I’m in it for the Twizzlers.

Taker: Ok. I’m back. Hopefully things have settled down. I think it’s Mr. Edgeworth’s turn to call a witness to the stand. Edge?

Edge: For my first witness, I call-

Tough Enough Jessie: Me. You call me. And I’d like to submit one piece of evidence. Evidence that proves that Triple H will bring about the end of not only the WWE Universe, but life in general.

HHH: How? You can’t say that. You’re just a cry-y baby who wanted to be a wrestler until we crushed your hopes and dreams!

T.E. Jessie: You really don’t know do you? After all these years. You spend so much time playing with your stupid cat and Sarah McLaughlin records that you don’t know your OWN DAUGHTER!

HHH: What?!

Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Taker: WHAT?!

Edge: What?

Orton: Pot?

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

T.E. Jessie: That’s right. It is I! Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque! I’ve come back from the future to stop you from ruining the world of professional wrestling and everything else! But I got so excited to be around you and hanging out in the WWE that I became a weepy mess. But I’m over it, and I’m over you! You are guilty and I will see you hang! Or…whatever it is we’re going to do. I’m not even sure what the deal is.

Taker: I wasn’t planning on hanging anybody, no.

Kane: Aw!

HHH: This is…This is ludicrous! You can’t expect me to believe that you’re my daughter. You’re not little Aurora Borealis! Murphy Brown, maybe. Or Evil Lynn!

T.E. Jessie: Oh, but I am, “Daddy,” and while you and grandpa Vince have been shoving me down backstage, firing me every week, and causing me horrible trauma for the past ten years, I’m finally ready to take my revenge.

Nunzio: I don’t have any defense prepared for a time traveling daughter, man. Sorry. Do you think we could argue her down to talking dog?

Next Week: In an epic showdown, Triple H takes on his own daughter.

Last Week: The Ghost of Wrestling Future, Hulk Hogan taught Triple H…Nothing, really. What a waste of time. Maybe he’ll learn something…TONIGHT!

Triple H: So, what are you here to teach me about how I’ve ruined the wrestling industry using examples from the present to show me how many guys’ careers I’ve ruined.

Zack Ryder: You know it, bro!

HHH: Ugggggh! Can’t we just watch TV or something? I’m, like, three months behind on my Suvivor watching. I’ve got big money on the skinny girl.

Ryder: You want to watch TV? You got it, bro.

(Opening Credits)

Last Week: CM Punk-

HHH: NOOOOoooooo! It’s my worst nightmare!

In the ring….

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YOOOOO! YOOOO! YOOO!

Cheer me or boo me,
I don’t really care,
I can’t afford more jorts,
And my cupboard is bare!

I moved back with my dad,
Because I couldn’t pay my rent,
John Cena is back and kickin’,
Living with my parents!

Merry Christmas fans,
Be of at least a little cheer,
Because you’ve got more than me,
And WWE’S CARDBOARD BOX CHAMPION IS HERE!

Alberto Del Rio: I know how you feel, John! I live in constant fear of being deported with my life partner! I have to move around the country every week in the hopes that they won’t catch up to me! I’m living in my car!

Cena: What are you driving these days?

Del Rio: A 1989 Geo Metro!

Cena: Nice!

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me, good sirs. I was wondering. My boyfriend and I are cold and starving. He can’t even afford a t-shirt that fits him.

Cena: Aw, Dolph. I was really hoping those jobs as cheerleader and caddy were going to work out for you! I’m sorry, I don’t have anything for you. I gave my last two dollars away to my children in the CeNation.

Dolph Zigger: Aw fish sticks! I kept getting fired for some reason. I even made sure I introduced myself to everyone. But nobody likes me. One guy kept saying I was a show off.

The Miz: Hey, guys. I found an old can of beans under a pile of jaunty hats? Anybody want a spoonfull?

Cena: Do I ever!

Johnny Ace: Hey! You kids get out from under that bridge this instant! Don’t make me call The Mountie!

The guys and Vickie grumble but slowly disperse.

Triple H: So…you’re showing me how destitute WWE guys are without me? I mean…That’s not exactly teaching me anything about humility “bro.” It just makes me feel great.

Ryder: Just shut up and keep watching, broski.

Randy Orton vs. The Miz

Orton accidentally pushes his cart into Miz, causing the can of beans to spill. Miz and Orton start fighting over the can while Wade Barrett tapes it with his iPhone while looking as smarmy as humanly possible. He then immediately sells the footage for $1 million, which he blows on hair gel and a spare Legal Eagle costume.

Triple H: That Wade Barrett really knows where it’s at. If I didn’t constantly have the urge to hold him down every time I saw him, I think he’d make a pretty good WWE Champion.

Ryder: I gotta say, I’m pretty jealous of all that hair gel he’s got. Take care and spike your hair, Wade!

HHH: You’re the worst person I know, Zack.

Ryder: Shhh!

In an alleyway….

Johnny Ace: Didn’t I tell you to get out of here? Go back to your dad’s house!

Cena: Aw! Do I have to?

Elsewhere….

David Otunga: -and then she left me! Do you know how hard it is to find a job with a Harvard Law degree in this economy? I’ve had to stop drinking coffee!

Kevin Nash: I hate literally everything about you. Now if you don’t leave, I’m going to go all Super Shredder and knock over this bridge.

Triple H: Aw! Kevin! Look at how dark his weird beard is!

Zack Ryder: You don’t want to know what made it that color.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Daniel Bryan

Daniel Bryan starts screaming obscenities at some passing pigeons and gets counted out. Then five cats run out of his beard and attack Ricardo. Three “ladies of the night” walk by them.

HHH: I like where this is going!

Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly Kelly (w/ Alicia Fox) vs. Beth Phoenix and Natalya

They fight for a while about the territory’s ownership. But then The Godfather struts in and they have an impromptu dance party. Daniel Bryan wanders by and eats a sandwich that was helpfully hiding within his beard.

Triple H: Oh, man. I miss my beard. You know what kind of stuff I could hide up in there?

Zack Ryder: You ever get the feeling that you were supposed to be somewhere else, but you can’t remember where?

HHH: Yeah, I’ve felt like that for the past month and a half now. But I’d rather you be anywhere but here.

Ryder: Don’t make me fist pump your face, bro.

John Cena vs. John Cena

On his way back to his house, John Cena breaks down in tears and then accidentally punches himself in the face. Then he stops by an AA meeting for some free coffee and a powdered donut. Cena wins!

David Otunga: John, what are you doing here?

John Cena: It just seemed appropriate. How about you?

Otunga: Free coffee!

Johnny Ace: I think it’s disingenuous to fuel your addiction by coming to an addiction support group, David.

Otunga: Nobody asked you!

Triple H: These people look so miserable! Who eats powdered donuts? That’s gross!

Zack Ryder: I like powdered sugar!

HHH: Of that I have no doubt.

Ryder: But again, I feel like I should be somewhere. Oh well.

Mark Henry vs. Sanity Itself

Mark Henry drops his bundle of old Highlights Magazines and begins screaming at a stray Nitrogren molecule that strayed too far into his orbit. Then he sees a bicycle and takes it into the Hall of Pain. Then he eats it. Daniel Bryan nods in approval from the gutter.

Elsewhere….

Vickie Guerrero: Where are we going to get enough money for you to get a phone so you can start “tweeting?”

Dolph Ziggler: Selling Swagger into slavery?

Jack Swagger: Even they wouldn’t want me.

Swagger starts crying, and Vickie and Dolph shuffle away nervously.

Triple H: Nobody wants Swagger? Aw. I’ll take him.

Zack Ryder: You can’t, actually. This is just a vision.

Kevin Nash vs. Santino Marella

Nash Jackknifes Santino’s car. Santino shouts, “NOT AGAIN!” and drives up a flagpole. A Gecko and a Duck show up to figure out how to resolve this, but they are ambushed by Mark Henry and Daniel Bryan respectively and devoured.

Triple H: This is gross. I don’t know how much more I can take.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus

Dolph is on his way to try to sell Swagger, when Sheamus appears out of the sewers and sticks him with a shiv. Then he kicks Dolph in the face (The Finisher of Champions!) and steals his way too small T-shirt, which looks even more ridiculous on him, but whatever.

HHH: Somebody do something! Those poor guys!

Ryder: You had your chance to help and you blew it. There’s only one way to prevent this fate now!

Alberto Del Rio: Oh no! It’s the feds! I’m out of here!

The Mountie: Everybody here is under arrest for some reason or another!

Del rio: Save yourself, Ricardo!

Ricardo Rodriguez: I’ll never forget you, whatever your name is!

The Miz: I swear I didn’t kill that guy! Morrison was dead when I found him!

John Cena: Bad rap is not a crime!

CM Punk: I’m the KING OF THE HOBOS!

Johnny Ace: Ahahahahahaha! You stupid bums are all going to jail! And then you’re going to die! I wish you luck on your future endevorus! AHAHAHAHA!

Tough Enough Jessie: Looks like everybody’s going to die. Well, at least we all have each other. I love you all! Goodbye!

Tommy Dreamer stands up from his latest spine crippling injury, propping himself up on a kendo stick.

Tiny Tommy: ECDub! ECDub! ECDub!

HHH: Look at him! He’s just so…cute! I can’t do this anymore! That guy still thinks it’s 1999! It’s so…adorable! I give up! I confess! Just so long as I don’t hurt poor Tommy Dreamer anymore!

And Triple H is back at his house. He rushes to a window.

HHH: You there! What day is it?!

Passerby: December 5th. Buy a calendar!

HHH: So there’s still time! There’s still time for the Satireversary!

Passerby: What the hell is a Satireversary?!

Other Guy: It’s some stupid thing. Hey! No there’s not still time! That was two months ago!

HHH: My good men! Get me two of the best briefcase cakes you can buy and bring them back here post haste!

Passerby: What is this idiot talking about?

Other Guy: Hey! Buy your own cakes, buddy! Go to hell!

But Triple H is already back inside.

HHH: It’s time to make amends.

BONG!

The Undertaker: I’m glad you see it that way. Because I’m the Ghost of Wrestling Past. More specifically, your past. And if you’re really ready, it’s time for you to stand trial.

HHH: I’m ready, I think. I’ve done wrong, and for Tommy Dreamer, I have to pay. But hey, I thought you weren’t supposed to talk.

Undertaker: Urban legend. Besides, it’s you that isn’t supposed to be talking.

HHH: Hmph.

Next Week: The Trial Resumes.

Last Week: Shawn Michaels decided to pull Triple H out of time and space to teach him a lesson about destroying the WWE Universe. No rafts were harmed in the ripping of the fabric of time.

In the DX Roadhouse….

Tough Enough Jessie: So, I was wondering if I could have Monday off?

Triple H: Are you kidding me? No way! Monday is our busiest night! Do you know how many its we have to get people to suck every Monday? Go to hell.

T.E. Jessie: It’s just that it’s the Satireversary, and my son-

HHH: You have kids?

T.E. Jessie: Sure I do. All sorts of kids. Anyway, my son Tiny Tom has bird flu and suffers from a crushed spirit, so it’d really mean a lot if I could just have a day off to make sure he doesn’t staple anything to his face.

HHH: Yeah, ok.

T.E. Jessie: Really?!

HHH: Hell no. You and your stupid made-up holiday can go suck it.

T.E. Jessie: You know, that was funny the first time you said it, bu-

HHH: Suck. It.

T.E. Jessie: You’re a real ass, you know that? A total miser.

HHH: And if you’re not down with that-

T.E. Jessie: Ugh! I know! I know!

That night….

Triple H: Sarah McLachlan record? On. Pile of cotton candy? Ready to be eaten. Man, it feels great to be away from my nagging wife and kids and alone with my cat. You ready to rock, Nibblins?

Nibblins: Meow?

HHH: Oh don’t you start on me too!

Suddenly, the room fills with the sound of chains rattling.

HHH: Who’s there?!

Jim Neidhart: It wasn’t me! I’m right over here! Hahahahaha!

HHH: Get out of my house!

The chains rattle again.

HHH: Ok, for serious, Nibblins. Stop goofing around! It’s almost time for Glee.

Shawn Michaels: BooooOOooo!

HHH: Ah! Jesus!

Shawn: No, Hunter. But close! It’s me! Your old partner, Shawn!

HHH: Was that you making that racket?

Shawn: Huh? Oh yeah. Breaking in a new set of mirror chaps. Sorry about that. Anyway, do you know why you’re here? Existing outside of time and space in this alternate reality pocket?

HHH: Now that you mention it, yeah. I thought it was weird that I’d have a day off where I wasn’t having to clean up after my stupid kids. And I’m pretty sure the DX Roadhouse isn’t a real thing or I’d be a trillionaire with all the Suck Its we would’ve sold.

Shawn: Yeah. Well, I had to pray really hard and then Tim Tebow showed up and let me have this alternate reality where we couldn’t be chased.

HHH: Well, thanks, Shawn. It’s nice to get away from that stupid end of the world talk. I’m ready to get back to a normal life. Where I just play with my cat and yell at Tough Enough Jessie all day.

Shawn: Uh, actually. I kind of have to talk to you about that. I want you to go back on trial.

HHH: You WHAT?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: You WHAT?!

Sean Cold Val Venis: You WHAT?!

HHH: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Austin: Geez. Ok, man.

HHH: I’m not going back there. It’s not my fault that the WWE Universe is so screwed up, and blaming it all on me is stupid. You might as well blame…Maven or whatever. That guy just came back and he’s been nothing but trouble.

Maven: Hey! I deserve that feud with Cena!

HHH: What are all these people doing hanging out behind plants in my house?! GET OUT!

Maven: But…This is my only house!

Shawn: Hunter, the universe is broken. And whether or not you’re ultimately responsible is irrelevant at this point. Somebody has got to pay, and ultimately, you did have sex with that mannequin. And as much as I love you, that was pretty gross.

HHH: You have sex one mannequin….

Kane: Tell me about it.

HHH: OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!

Shawn: On this very night you’ll be visited by three ghosts. Hopefully they’ll be able to convince you to go back.

HHH: Ghosts, huh? You’re not even going to bother trying yourself?

Shawn: I have to appear at a kid’s birthday party for $20. I should never have opened that stupid arcade. Bye!

Later that night.

HHH: Well, Nibblins, I finally kicked the last wrestler out of my house. What Matt Hardy was doing in my liquor cabinet, I’ll never know. Anyway, I guess Shawn didn’t know what he was talking about. I don’t see any ghosts, do you?

Nibblins: Meow.

HHH: Well, come on. Let’s get to bed.

Nibblins: Meow!

HHH: What is it? Need to use your litter box? Tamina fall down a well?

Nibblins: MEOW!

HHH: A g-g-g-g-ghost!

Hulk Hogan: What’s up, brother?

HHH: Let me guess, the Ghost of Wrestling Past.

Hogan: No way, dude. I’m the Ghost of Wrestling future, brother.

HHH: You know, I would’ve wished for Flair, but I don’t think he would’ve been any more level headed about this. Where have you come to take me?

Hogan: Not where, dude, but when! We’re going back! Back in time, brother!

HHH: Ghost of Wrestling Future, huh?

Hogan: You know it, dude!

The room fades to black and white, and they’re suddenly in the ring.

HHH: Where are we? Why is everything all grainy?

Hogan: We’re in 1992, brother! The height of Hulkamania, when everybody was saying their prayers, taking their vitamins, and cheering the Hulkster on to victory against Sid, dude! Watchu gonna do-

HHH: No offense, “Hulkster” but what does this have to do with me or my trial? Weren’t you supposed to take me to my DX days so I could learn what an ass I became? Or back to my debut? I debuted, like, ten days before this, you know.

Hogan: It has nothing to do with you, brother! I just really wanted to see this match, dude. Shawn Michaels is terrible at picking ghosts, brother. Anyway, it’s another hour to bell time and nobody can see you or me, dude, let’s go watch Liz get dressed.

HHH: Ok…Wait. No! That’s creepy. Not having sex with a mannequin on live TV creepy, but I’ve spent the past ten years getting past that.

Hogan: Well, you have fun, brother. I’m going.

HHH: You can’t just leave me here. What am I going to do, go hang out with Tatanka?

HHH wanders backstage.

HHH: ‘Sup, Tatanka?

Tatanka: I hear…the voices of my ancestors! What should I do? Where should my career go from here?

HHH: You should get fat and make a terrible comeback in thirteen years.

Tatanka: Yes, oh Great Spirit from Beyond!

Ric Flair: Triple WOOO by God H! What’re you doing here, man?

HHH: Ric?! What are you doing here, man? How can you see me?

Flair: I don’t know! The last thing I remember was falling off that heroine raft when we got it up to eight miles per hour! And then it was 1992 all over again! I’m getting ready to take on Randy Savage with Elizabeth alongside Curt Hennig! Which would be really depressing if I was capable of stopping to think about it. WOOOO!

HHH: What about this time period’s Ric Flair? What’s he up to?

Flair: I sent him back to WCW with the belt. Saves me a couple thousand bucks that I can blow tonight! WOOO!

HHH: Never change, Ric.

Flair: My inability to change has been the cause of and solution to all my problems, Hunter. Even though I’m $14 million in debt, I’m still a limo ridin’, jet flyin’, wheelin’ dealin’ SON OF A GUN! WOOOO! Naitcha Boy! Style and profile! WOO!

HHH: Is that the moral? That WWE’s inability to change, and my part in that has caused us to make the WWE Universe dwindle to nothing until now, it’s ready to collapse in on itself?

Flair: The hell if I know. I never pay attention to anything that I say! WOO!

HHH: No. You may be right. I mean, I haven’t even hardly been on in a year, but you can still feel my presence on the show. Constant mannequin sex happening just off camera. What would I do without you, Ric?

Flair: Still be running WWE! WOO!

HHH: But no! That’s stupid. Mark Henry is champion! His top contender is Daniel Bryan! We’ve elevated CM Punk and The Miz! You can’t tell me that we’re not making a difference! I’ve hardly been on TV in the past year! No way! I don’t buy this for a second, Naitch. This trip back to the early ‘90s? Seeing the stupid nepotism of all these old codgers who are STILL wrestling today? That just makes me feel even more justified in what I’ve done with the WWE Universe since I sexed Katie Vick.

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

HHH: You hear that, Shawn? Hogan? Undertaker? I regret nothing! Your scheme to send me back into the past failed miserably! I’m even more sure that I should be on the run now!

Hogan: You tell ‘em, brother!

HHH: Where the hell have you been?

Hogan: I’ve been flexing in a mirror, dude. These 24 inch pythons aren’t going to display themselves, brother! Or are they?!

Hogan starts flexing.

Hogan: Anyway, dude, I feel what you’re saying. I said the same thing when Brunno Sammartino sent me back in time to get yelled at by Baron Von Rashke, broher! I told him where he could shove that Claw, dude.

HHH: Well, it’s nice to know that I’m not the first person who’s had this stupid crap happen to them.

Flair: HOGAN! HOGAN!

Hogan: Oh, brother, you can see me! It’s time for Yappappi Strap Match number three! Where’s Jimmy Hart at, dude?

Flair: This was supposed to be my big night, Hogan! Me and you! The match everybody wanted to see! WOO! Hulkster and The NATURE BOY! But no! You decided you wanted to wrestle Psycho BY GOD SID! I’ll never forgive you, Hogan! Forgive you?! I’ll never forgive you! FORGIVE YOU?! I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!!

Hogan: Where’s Ultimate Warrior when I need him, brother?

Papa Shango: Guys, look, I know I’m not supposed to be able to see you or anything, but thanks to all my mysterious voodoo powers, and all this weed I’m smoking, I totally can. And you’re really annoying. So if you could all, like, leave this time period or whatever you do? That would be great.

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

HHH: You know, I probably would leave if I could. Nibblins isn’t going to be around for another ten years, and, let’s face it, Solace was pretty awful. Sarah Mac’s best album doesn’t come out until next year, and a year spent as a ghost just so I can listen to Fumbling Towards Ecstasy is totally worth it, but I’d rather have the whole catalog, you know?

Shango: No.

RVD: Nope.

Flair: No, sir.

Hogan: No idea what you’re talking about, dude.

HHH: You people seriously have no taste in music.

Zack Ryder: Maybe it’s because you can’t fist pump to it, bro.

HHH: Oh God, let me guess. The ghost of wrestling present?

Ryder: You know it, bro.

HHH: Of course it had to be you. Well, shall we?

Ryder: Just follow me. And Hunter-

HHH: If you tell me to take care and spike my hair, I’m going to drill you so hard with a sledgehammer. I don’t care if you are a ghost.

Next Time: What happens when Triple H returns to a present future. Or…a future present? It’s…I really hate time travel, you guys.

Last Week: Triple H and his Merry Gaggle of Geese got lost. But Ric Flair had a plan. Really? Ooook.

On a raft in the middle of the ocean….

Triple H: Ok. Great. Now we’re out in the middle of the ocean with a billion people on a raft and no food or water. What was your “brilliant” plan again, Naitch?

Ric Flair: WOO! Now we gotta get this raft up to 88 miles per hour and we go back…in time!

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

Lance Storm, Action Figure: This isn’t going to work, you know.

HHH: No duh it’s not going to work! Ric, we’re on a RAFT, in case you haven’t noticed! How in the hell are we going to get it up to 88 miles per hour?! No way we can row that fast!

Lance: That is you’re problem with that plan?

Stephanie McMahon: Big talk coming from a action figure with a human soul.

Lance: …Touche.

Flair: Ok! Not 88! I meant eight! Eight miles per hour!

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Even I know you can’t just change it like that.

Flair: WOO! You drive a hard bargain! Two! Two miles per hour! Last offer!

HHH: That’s…conceivable. Who do we have manning the oars? Guys?

Mark Henry: I don’t man no oars! You hear me oars?! I DON’T MAN YOU! I’M MY OWN MAN! I AIN’T GIVIN’ THAT OR MY STANK TO NOBODY!

Randy Orton: Oarn’t you glad I didn’t say boatnana?!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I threw the big spoons over the SIDE!

HHH: YOU WHAT?! Why’d you do that?!

Batista: I wanted to see a SHARK! Sharks use SPOONS!

HHH: All right, dammit. I refuse to give up on this asinine plan-

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

HHH: So, Cole, get out there and push.

Michael Cole: Absolutely! Here I go!

Cole jumps into the ocean and is immediately devoured by sharks holding oars.

Batista: YAY!

HHH: Aw crap. Any ideas? Lance?

Lance: You never cared what I thought before, Hunter.

HHH: Aw geez, Lance, don’t be like that. Ok. Fine. The sharks have eaten, so Randy get out there and push.

Stephanie: One guy isn’t going to get us up to two miles per hour.

HHH: Polar Bear, help him out.

The polar bear frowns and shakes his head, but he dives in after Orton. And with the two Superstars pushing, the raft quickly hits speeds exceeding two miles per hour. Suddenly, a storm appears out of nowhere over the ocean.

Storm: Oh, how ironic.

And a lighting bolt strikes the raft, sending it flying.

Last Week: Triple H defeated Rob Van Dam in the most Canadian Lumberjack Match since that one The Mountie was in. The Un-American Americans defeated Kane and Hurricane in the most embarrassing moment of Kane’s career. Oh wait, then he killed some girl. Who will he kill…TONIGHT?!

Backstage….

HHH: Ugh. Where am I?

Vince McMahon: Hunter?! What the hell are you doing back here? Your segment is on in ten minutes! That mannequin isn’t gonna screw itself, huh! Hahaha! Wait a second…Have you gained weight? It’s time to stop eating all those fries, buddy.

HHH: Is this real life?

Vince just shakes his head and leaves. Eric Bischoff approaches.

Eric Bischoff: Hunter, I just had the greatest idea in the history of ideas. Ok, get this: An Elimidate Chamber. Two people have a date in the middle of the ring, and every two minutes, another dater is added. The winning couple gets to fight it out for the WWE Title. What do you say?

HHH: Eric? What the hell are you doing here? Go back to TNA. And that was a crappy idea the last time you had it.

Eric Bischoff: Geez, what crawled up your butt? And what the hell is a TNA? That sounds like a Russo idea. It does have potential though. I prefer Earnest Miller’s Combat Wrestling though. Or Impact wrestling! With an exclamation point! Impact!

HHH: Oh my God! Do you know what this means, Eric?! He did it! That old bastard actually did it! He sent me back in time!

Bischoff: Huh? Is this some sort of new gimmick? Because we tried it with Techno Team 2000 and let me tell you-

HHH: Don’t be stupid, Bischoff. I don’t have time to explain. What’s the date? The date!

Bischoff: Woah ok, buddy, settle down. It’s October 7th, 2002.

HHH: Oh…My…God. YES! There’s still time! I can still save the WWE Universe!

Bischoff: That’s the stupidest name for our audience I’ve ever heard.

HHH: And TNA has been around since May. Get cable, nerd.

Hunter dashes down the hall and into the funeral home WWE’s been traveling with since 1990, just in case. There the lifeless body of a mannequin lays untouched.

HHH: Oh, thank God. Come on, Katie. We’re getting out of here.

The Undertaker: Not so fast. You are getting back onto that raft, going back to the future, and you are going on trial for destroying the WWE Universe forever. A stupid move that you started this very night.

HHH: Ho…how do you know all of that?!

Undertaker: I’m The Undertaker. I exist in the space between time and reality. I know all.

HHH: Well…crap. Later!

Hunter runs off down the hall. Taker frowns after him.

In the ring….

HHH: Ha! Got away from you, you old zombie bast…oh. Hey, WWE Uni…crowd. Uh.

Ric Flair: WOO! Hunter! We’re gonna tell these people all about how that dirty, dirty Kane had sex with that nasty dead lady, Katie Vick. Put your kids to bed, America!

HHH: Ric, Thank God! We have to get that heroine raft and get back out of here. Undertaker is on to us. We’ve got to go to, like, ancient times or something.

Flair: What are you talking about?!

HHH: Oh no! You must be ten years ago Ric Flair! Ok. We’ve got to figure out what’s going on. Let’s get the gang together, disguise ourselves, and that’ll buy us some time until we can figure out a plan.

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

The Hurricane runs out to stop Hunter from exposing his best friend’s deep dark secret.

The Hurricane: Stand back! There’s a Hurr-

HHH: Get out of my way, Shane Helms. And stay off motorcycles.

Hurricane: NOOOOoooo! My secret identity exposed!

(ads)

Jeffy Hardy vs. Chris Nowinski (w/ Al Snow)

These two guys are clearly the future of the wrestling industry. I mean, that Jeff Hardy is a clean cut dude, and he and his adorable, thin brother Matt are totally WWE Superstars for life. And Matt and Lita are such a cute couple! As for Nowinski, other than the unfortunate name, he’s got a good head on his shoulders, and he’s going to go far. Nowinski with his move (That’s His Move!) for the win.

Backstage in the Bischoffise.

Eric Bischoff: Man, I love WWE Catering! I’m never going to leave.

My Darling Stacy: Hey, you know what I love in a guy? Grey hair and a track record for never getting married.

Bischoff: My wife means nothing!

Stacy: Can I referee a match? I need more exposure for my burgeoning comedy career.

Bischoff: Absolutely! The more exposure the better!

Big Show: Hey, Eric. I’m gonna eat your fruit tray.

Bischoff: Just leave the fruit, ok?

Big Show: Yeah, absolutely.

(ads)

Backstage….

Tommy Dreamer: Man, I am happy to be out here tonight. When’s the wrestling start?

Al Snow: How the hell should I know? I’ve been talking to a mannequin head for my entire career. But at least I’ll be the only thing Lima, Ohio is ever known for.

Chris Nowinski: I don’t know. I hear they have some pretty cool Glee clubs.

Dreamer: Do you have brain damage or something?

Lance Storm and William Regal vs. Bubba Ray and Spike Dudley

It’s really too bad that D’Von left to start his own church, I think he really misses his brother Ray. I don’t know about you guys, but I think William Regal is looking kind of pale lately. I’m sort of worried about him. And have you ever seen him in the sunlight? He’s…shiny. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. Spike wins with a roll-up because Regal is deathly afraid of him. Why would Regal be afraid of a Spike?

(ads)

Backstage, again….

Trish Stratus: These Divas Magazines are bringing in tons of cash, and women’s wrestling has never been hotter. This gravy train will never end!

Chris Jericho: I’m never going to stop wrestling for WWE. For real, you guys. No matter how much money they shove off a building.

Chris Tian: You know, some day, I’m going to be the world heavyweight champion.

Jericho: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

In the ring….

Eric Bischoff: No. Seriously! It’s a big metal chamber! And two people are in it and they go on a date…and…then they kiss? And-

(ads)

D’Lo Brown vs. Test
With Special Guest Referee My Darling Stacy

Hey, Test! D’Lo is looking for the Real Deal Now to start, but he can’t find it so he just waggling his head all over the place. I think Stacy and Test have some chemistry together, and a bright future. Though Test isn’t a pudgy, grey-haired man, so I don’t think he’ll end up with the girl. He does get the pin though, because D’Lo’s terrible.

Backstage….

Terri Runnels: I am not a scary witch woman! Any thoughts on that, Victoria?

Victoria: Shh…I lost my pet spider! Help me look!

Goldust: Marlena! Woohoo! Is it 1992 all over again!?

Booker T: Hillarious, dawg. You crazy! You’re all in my fav five!

(ads)

Booker T, Goldust, and Trish Stratus vs. Chris Jericho, Chris Tian, and Victoria

Look at all the Canadians! Ross and Lawler are too busy reminding viewers that Michael Cole doesn’t announce RAW to pay any attention to this match, which is too bad because they’re missing all the WORKRATE~! that is going on here. All the good Canadians named Chris are in this match! Jericho locks Trish in the Walls for the win. Can he do that? Booker does the Spinerooni anyway.

(ads)

Jonathan Coachman: Here’s my best friend Triple H and he’s got a video of necrophilia.

Triple H: Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YOOOOOO! YOOOO!

Word Life, this is basic Thuganomics,
Basic Basic Basic Thuganomics.
Because I’m Triple H,
The Doctor of THHHuganomics!

Ok, I can’t rap. But there’s been a change in schedule. It turns out that Kane didn’t commit necrophilia after all. He can’t even spell it. But I’ve got a new gimmick. It turns out that I’m a rapper who can’t rap. And I’m white as milk and I’m going to be in a movie called The Marine so check that out. But we’ve got a match coming up. So let me introduce my tag team partner. The Long Island Iced F, Ric Flair!

Ric Flair: Woo! Woo! WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

HHH: The line is “You know it, bro!”

Flair: Know it? I already knew it! Know it?! I ALREADY KNEW IT! WOO WOO WOO!

HHH: And our opponents. First, from St. Louis, Missouri, the best wrestler in the world…RK Punk!

Randy Orton: Uh…Mister Hunter, I hate to point this out, but I’m still nine months away from being able to compete. Perhaps you haven’t been keeping up with my RNN updates, but I’m not capable of performing in this match you have so graciously booked for us.

HHH: Who the hell are you and what have you done with Randy Orton?

Orton: I don’t understand what you’re talking about to be honest, sir. But I have the highest respect for you and all your accomplishments, I assure you. I do have to ask about these tattoo sleeves you gave me to wear. Why would people actually get these tattooed on them? It looks ridiculous.

HHH: And his tag team partner…Mason Ryan!

Deacon Batista: Hi, guys! I’m really excited to be here tonight! I’m taking donations for my local church. My daughter is very excited about the new church program my Reverend D’Von is putting on.

HHH: Man, 2002 really sucked for my friends. But things are going to be different now. I’m WWE Champion. I’m married to the bosses daughter. And I’m ten years wiser! I’m going to run this better than ever, stay one step ahead of Undertaker, and we’re going to keep this WWE Universe lining my pocket with more money to buy all the Sarah McLaughlin merchandise money can buy!

Shawn Michaels: Oh, Hunter. I wish you could see the error of your ways.

HHH: Shawn?

Shawn: Yeah. It’s me. Hunter, I want you to see something. I’ll protect you from Undertaker’s shadow until it’s done. Come with me.

Next Time: Triple H takes a harrowing voyage through HHHistory.

Last Week: Triple H escaped. Where will he end up…TONIGHT?

Triple H: Ok…where are we?

Randy Orton: Accordingly to this mop, we art somehow between ketchup and moose hard.

HHH: Randy, you’re looking at an actual mop. With ketchup and mustard on it.

Orton: That’s wit I said.

Stephanie McMahon: Where was that prison anyway? I just sort of figured it was in Oklahoma City because that’s where the trial was, but we’re on some sort of weird desert island, and I don’t think there’s any islands in Oklahoma. Or water.

John Cena: Do you want me to rap about it?

All: No.

Mark Henry: Man, I don’t care where we are, but I want something to eat. I’m hungry, and when I get hungry I get STANKED!

“Dave’ Batista “Davidson”: I do not have any TEETH!

Michael Cole: Michael Cole and Kelly Kelly Kelly at ringside, and Kelly, I have to ask you about the escape of Triple H!

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Stay away from me, you creep!

(Opening Credits)

Kelly: Seriously, Cole, come any closer and I will cut you. My teeth have been sharpened into razor-like edges.

Michael Cole: That’s ok! I know for a fact that Jim Ross is at home dying right now of a broken heart because nobody bought his stupid beef jerky. And also I have an entire raft full of heroin!

HHH: Wait! You have a raft?!

Cole: Full of heroin!

Batista: Let me at THAT!

Batista dives into the raft and begins pointlessly gumming at the rubber.

Ric Flair: WOOOOOOOO! Forget that heroin raft! Look what I’ve got!

HHH: A…polar bear?

Stephanie: Very observant.

Flair: That’s why he’s the champ! WOOO!

HHH: Yeah, ok. Why do you have a polar bear, Ric? Why would you…Just…Why?

Flair: Because, I thought it’d be cool to have a polar bear, and this one was only $5 million!

HHH: Oh, Ric, how are you ever going to get out of debt if you go around buying polar bears?

Henry: What you looking at polar bear? You want a piece of me?! YOU WANT A PIECE OF MARK HENRY!? WELL COME GET SOME! I AIN’T AFRAID OF NO POLAR BEARS! WELCOME TO THE HALL OF PAIN!

Polar Bear: Rar?

Henry tackles the bear and they go rolling across the island, biting and scratching at each other.

Flair: That’s why he’s the champ! WOO!

Cena: Ok. We’re good.

Orton: Joe Cedar, did you just do an anteater boat full of morrowind?

Cole: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Cena: Yeah. And I feel fine, because I’m totally no selling the effects of it. Don’t do drugs, kids. In other news, why are Chris Benoit and Tommy Dreamer back alive and scaling the raging fires of Mordor to throw the World Heavyweight Title into a trashcan.

HHH: Aw geez. Not again!

Kelly: So you do admit it happened!

HHH: Fine! Ok?! Nine guys took part in the stupidest journey across the United States ever, and a couple of them ended up dying. Why Cena remembers it, I have no idea. I mean, if anybody remembers that whole thing it should be Orton and Flair, since they were major parts of the opposition. I almost killed you, Naitch!

Flair: I’m old and senile and stylin’ and profilin’ limo ridin’ jet flyin’ wheelin’ dealin’-

The bear and Henry roll over Flair, knocking him out.

Orton: I can badly remember what I did yes sir day!

Cena: The talking gourd makes a gourd point you guys. I can hear purple and now it’s time to rap!

World life!
This is basic Thuganomics,
Basic, basic Thugugaadjblalaaaaaaaaah

Cena throws up why Orton bops along to the imaginary beat.

Cole: I hope you’re happy, Cena. I really hope you’re happy.

Cena: Never been…happier….

Kelly: Everybody look out! A smoke monster!

HHH: What the hell?

Batista: Is that you, DAD?

The mysterious smoke surrounds all of them, causing bewilderment all around except for Cena who is now passed out, and the bear and Henry who have resorted to head butting each other in the face. Eventually, however, the wind shifts and the smoke clears.

HHH: Are you kidding me?

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

Flair: WOO! Rob! By God! Van Dam! What are you doing on this deserted island?

RVD: Oh, that’s easy. That mysterious dragon I’m always talking to told me that this was a dessert island.

Kelly: It’s not?

Stephanie: Ok, great. RVD is here and he’s stupid as ever. Can we get to blowing up that raft again so we can get out of here? Who knows when Tough Enough Jessie will be back to take us out?

Cole: I’m already on it!

Cole blows ineffectively on the giant raft’s spout.

Stephanie: Mark! Give him a hand.

Henry: Oh hell no. I ain’t backing down from this bear! YOU HEAR THAT BEAR?! YOU STILL DON’T GOT ME! I GOT MAH STANK! WHAT YOU GOT?!

The bear rolls its eyes.

RVD: Oh totally awesome. You guys got a bear! Congrats!

Orton: Do the nuggets 10-21-01-12-26-11 mean everything to any bloody?

HHH: Yeah, those are my lotto numbers.

Stephanie: Really? No frigging wonder we’ve never won the damn lottery.

HHH: Why, Randy?

Orton: They’re edged into this hitch.

Orton pulls back Cena to reveal a small metal hatch half buried in the sand.

HHH: What the hell kind of stupid beach is this?

Kelly: I get the feeling that the longer we stay here, the less sense it will make until we finally give up trying to explain it and just let it all happen and it reaches a rather unsatisfying crescendo.

RVD: Just like real life!

HHH: Whatever, I don’t actually care. Ric, get this thing open, will you?

Flair chops the metal hatch until the door pops softly open.

Lance Storm Action Figure: Oh. My. God. Do you guys know how long I’ve been locked down there? What year is it?

RVD: LAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!!

Storm: Rob! Oh man! Rob! I haven’t seen you in forever! You survived that car crash? How are you doing?!

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Storm: But that doesn’t answer my question, what’s the year? The date?

HHH: It’s November 7, 2011.

Storm’s eyes don’t change, because he’s an action figure.

Storm: Holy carp! It’s too late. It’s all coming to an end.

Stephanie: No! We saved Hunter! We stopped those idiots from destroying the WWE Universe!

Storm: The WWE Uni…Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. The wheels are already in motion, and there’s no way to stop it.

Batista: There has to be a WAY!

Storm: Touching, but, no. Even if we were to somehow shift sideways and make Mark Henry a chicken mogul, it still wouldn’t stop anything. It would just delay it for a few days.

Henry: I’m gonna be a bear mogul! You hear that bear?! I’M GONNA MOGUL YOUR ASS!

The bear cocks a nonexistent eyebrow.

RVD: At least I get to see the end of things with you, my friend.

Storm: Indeed.

HHH: Ok, all stupidness aside, Lance, how the hell did you become an action figure again? The last time I saw you were human and kidnapping Paul Heyman for some reason I don’t remember.

Storm: That’s sort of an embarrassing story. So, Rob and I drove off that cliff, and some mysterious dragon came and plucked Rob out of the air-

RVD: He lives in my suitcase!

Storm: So there I was, plummeting to my death, being chased by Paul Heyman, Tommy Dreamer, and Mantaur. And as I thought about it, I thought it was a super appropriate way for me to die. As stupidly as humanly possible. There’s no way I could take that serious for even a moment. And as I stopped believing in reality, something completely unreal appeared and saved me.

HHH: Chris Jericho’s wrestling career?

Stephanie: A burger I didn’t like?

Henry: A bear I couldn’t kill? YOU HEARD ME BEAR! I’M GONNA SPLIT YOUR WIG!

Bear: Ror?

RVD: Did you find my hammer pants?

Flair: A pile of money you can give me?!

Batista: Was it SANTA?!

Kelly: A sparkly pink unicorn?!

Storm: Actually…yes. Kelly’s right. It was a sparkly pink unicorn.

HHH: That sounds…stupid. Explain.

Storm: I didn’t believe it either. But it was Imagi, the leader of the Imagi-Nation. Jeff Hardy’s fake religion. It turns out he was right. About all of it.

Stephanie: I thought Imagi was just Jeff in a mask. Funny, I wonder where he got that idea.

HHH: What is that supposed to mean?

Storm: Ahem. So did I. But it turns out Imagi is a real thing. He’s totally incorporeal, so he couldn’t fly me away, but he did the next best thing, and turned me back into my true form so that when I hit the ground, I’d just bounce harmlessly away. But I bounced right down into this hatch, and it closed behind me. I’ve been trapped down here ever since.

HHH: I find that story…highly implausible.

Storm: Hey, believe what you want. You’re the one carrying on a conversation with an action figure on a mysterious desert island.

Cole: I…finished…blowing up…the…the…raft….

Cole collapses with his head in the hatch.

HHH: Well, great.

Flair: PERFECT! WOOOO! I just figured out a way to save everything!

HHH: I…really? You?

Flair: Yup. We’re going to save Christmas, brother.

HHH: You mean the WWE Universe.

Flair: Whatever.

Batista: Yay, CHRISTMAS!

Next Week: Ric Flair Comes Up with Some Stupid Plans.

Last Week: The Trial of Triple H began. Will his reign of terror over WWE finally end…TONIGHT?!

Hunter’s sitting alone in his cell.

Triple H: I’ve got to find some way to get the hell out of this place. I guess it’s too much to hope for Flair or Thetista to bake me a cake with a sledgehammer in it though

Not So Mysterious Voice: Yeah, probably.

HHH: Cena?! Is that you?!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo YO YOOOOO-

HHH: I believe you. I believe you. What are you doing down here?

Cena: Oh, Michael Tarver hit me with a chair a couple days ago and dragged me down here.

HHH; What’d he do that for?

Cena: I dunno. I haven’t said two words to that guy ever. So, you’re getting executed or whatever?

HHH: Yeah. Which is ridiculous. I don’t deserve to be in here. I DON’T DESERVE TO BE IN HERE!

Tough Enough Jessie: Go to bed, you two!

Cena: Oh well. Good night, Hunter. Sorry I tried to kill you.

HHH: Wait! This gives me the perfect idea of how we’re going to escape!

The prison goes fuzzy.

(Opening Credits)

John Cena:

WWE Babies, we’re coming after you,
WWE Babies, I’m gonna hit the FU!

Triple H: When you go to prison and you wish that you weren’t there-
Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley: Just close your eyes and make believe, and then hit a guy with a chiar.

HHH: I like adventure!

Stephanie: Not romance?

Cena: And the Champ-

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Machine Gun DANCE!

Michael Cole: If I can have your attention-

Kelly Kelly Kelly: My head is filled with air!

Mark Henry: I got STANK!

Randy Orton: My favorite movie is Twilight Éclair!

Jim Ross: BAH GOD!

Zack Ryder: Woo Woo Woo!

Tough Enough Jessie: Is everything all right in here?

WWE Babies: Yes, Jessie!

Cena:

WWE Babies are coming after you!
WWE Babies, I also know the STFU!
WWE WWE WWE WWE
Babies Babies Babies Babies
THE CHAMP IS-

HHH: That doesn’t rhyme.

Cena:

Coo.

Dave Meltzer: That was terrible!

Bryan Alvarez: How is that any different than the rest of this show?

Meltzer: I wasn’t talking about the show I was talking abuot the stroke I got from watching that mess.

In jail….

HHH: All right, WWE Babies. Line up. We’ve got to find some way out of this crib, and if that means going on an adventure, so be it. All we need is a bunch of armoires.

Stephanie: How exactly do you expect us to find a bunch of furniture, Hunty?

HHH: I just come up with the ideas, piggy. And quit calling me Hunty. That’s not even close to my name. Mark, play us a song and help us think.

Henry: Man, I don’t know how to play piano! I break pianos. I’m gonna break this piano so hard that you’re gonna be glad it isn’t your face!

Cena: I can rap-

All: NO!

Cole: If I can have your attention, please, my laptop has a message from the WWE Babies General Manager. According to him or her, there’s at least an 87.7% chance that The Animal can eat his way out of the crib.

Ross: I find your claims highly dubious. This is about to get bowling shoe ugly, folks.

Cole: Oh shut up, fatty. Somebody check Jimmy’s diaper! I think he’s got anal bleeding! That’s bleeding from the anus, folks! Now trending on Twitter!

Ross: Save me, Ryder!

Ryder: Woowoowoowoo!

Ryder chases Cole off.

HHH: Well, Dave, do you think you can do it?

TheTista bites at the bars, unsuccessfully.

Batista: Now I have no TEETH!

Kelly: I have an idea!

Everyone laughs.

Orton: Gargoyles can’t have ideas, silly. But I must admin, you are one nightly fine chicken. Kamilla Kamilla Kamilla, will you do me the honker of being my loftily webbed hide?

Kelly: Ew! I totally hate you. Take your schnozz elsewhere!

Orton: Ack and alas!

HHH: Don’t you talk about anybody’s nose like that, Kelly. Go see how Cole is doing. Cena, I’m almost afraid to ask, but do you have any ideas?

Cena: Of course I do. This situation sure is poopy! I mean. Butts! Am I right? And peepee! Deez nuts!

Cena throws a handful of peanuts at nothing in particular. Batista dives on top of them and begins gumming at them intensely.

HHH: How the hell did you think that would help?

Cena: What were we doing again? I thought we were trying to cure Mark of his hiccups! You gotta laugh ‘em out, Mark!

HHH: No we were not trying to cure Mark’s hiccups!

Henry: Why not?! Why isn’t this about me? Nobody cares about your damn bars! This is my sho-hiccup!

Stephanie: Stay strong, Mark!

HHH: I thought you were supposed to be on my-

Stephanie karate chops Hunter across the crib.

HHH: Yow! Can you do that to the bars?

Stephanie: NO!

Hunter collapses to the floor in dejection.

HHH: I really wish Nibblins was here. She’d know what to do.

Orton: Niblettes, huh? Is she a hot chicken?

HHH: No, Randy. That’s my cat. You know that.

Orton: Gross, dude!

(ads)

Meltzer: I’m going to give Cena five stars for tonight!

Alvarez: You liked his jokes that much?

Meltzer: No! Throwing stars! Right in the face!

Alvarez: Doo hoo hoo!

Back in the crib….

Kelly: I think Michael is dead. And his computer was just a piece of cardboard.

Ross: Nah, a dose of my famous barbecue sauce will fix him right up. Ryder get me my…Ryder! Did you use my medicinal barbecue sauce to spike your hair?!

Ryder: Woo Woo Woo!

Ross: I knew it!

HHH: Nobody cares about Cole! He’s the least popular character! Except for Kelly, of course.

Kelly: Hey!

Orton: I care about you, Kamilla!

Kelly: Ew!

HHH: Ok, this is ridiculous. Everybody, use your imaginations really hard and give me your best idea for how to get out of this crib. Go!

Ryder: Woo Woo Woo!

Ross: NO! We call Stone Cold! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!

Henry: STANK! That’s all I got to say! You want me to play piano, you get my worst idea. STANK!

Kelly: We do an entire dream sequence where we roleplay all the different parts of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, thereby learning valuable lessons about each other, friendship, and responsibility. Then we all have snack time and a nap.

HHH: That’s the stupidest-

Orton: I think I has the solution! Fourth, we load me up into a cabin, then we fire over the clip wall and I land soggily on the carpet, then I-

Batista: Maybe I can eat the BARS!

Stephanie: We tried-

Batista: Eat BARS! Eat BARS!

Cena: Maybe we can scare them out!

HHH: Still not talking about Mark’s hiccups.

Henry: WHY NOT?! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH MY HICCUPS?! YOU GOT A HICCUP PROBLEM!?

Cole barely lifts his head.

Cole: If I can have your-

Stephanie steps on his face.

Stephanie: What about moi? What’s so wrong with being stuck in this crib with me, Hunty? Maybe we can build a blanket fort and rub snouts like old times!

HHH: God, would you people lay off my nose?! These ideas are all terrible! What do I pay you people for?!

(ads)

Meltzer: Booo! Boooo!

Alvarez: You hate the show that much, huh?

Meltzer: No, it’s Halloween!

Alvarez: And this is your ghost costume?

Meltzer: No! That last segment was so bad I died. And now I’m a ghost. BOO!

Back in the crib….

HHH: We’re never going to get out of here, are we, Ryder?

Ryder: Woo woo woo.

T.E. Jessie: WWE Babies! WWE Babies! I need to go over to Animal Planet to make a documentary about what porcupines are doing when nobody is looking. But we got a very special guest to watch you while I’m gone. Aunt Fanny!

All: YAY!

Tough Enough Jessie leaves.

HHH: Wait…who the hell is Aunt Fanny?

Aunt Fanny: WOOO! It’s me! THE NATURE BOY!

Stephanie: Ric!

Flair: Aunt Fanny was what all the ladies called me back in the ‘70s! WOO! Because I was a limoridinjetflyinwheelindealinfartinpoptartinsonofagunbecauseImthenatu-

A cannon fires from somewhere and Randy Orton lands on his head next to Flair.

Orton: A perfect shart.

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Henry: I’m the champ! I am!

HHH: Naitch! You gotta help us get out of here! Can you do something about these bars?

Flair starts chopping the bars, and eventually both they (and his arms) shatter.

Flair: Totally worth it! WOO!

The prison comes back into focus.

HHH: You…did it? YOU DID IT! I’m FREE!

Next Week: Triple H’s newfound freedom teaches him that a Table for One, can indeed be fun.

Meltzer: Ugh! He escaped? After two weeks? That doesn’t make any sense.

Alvarez: More sense than anything that happens in your stupid MMA.

Meltzer: You know, I’m tired of WWE! It’s terrible.

Alvarez: Awful.

Meltzer: Disgusting!

Alvarez: Boring!

Meltzer: See you next week?

Alvarez: Of course!

Last Week: The leader of an oppressive and violent regime was found after being holed up for months, somehow still exerting power over the very citizens whose lives he ruined. Then Triple H was captured.

Triple H is dragged into a chair with a Sin Cara Mask over his face by Drew McIntyre and Michael Tarver. He is sat down roughly into a steel folding chair and the mask is torn off.

Triple H: I demand a lawyer!

David Otunga: I have a degree fro-

HHH: A real lawyer!

Clarence Mason: Sorry, Hunter, but I’ve got my hands full with Lindsay Lohan right now! But best of luck on…whatever the hell this is.

Booker T: Dawg, get out of here before I lose my T again.

Mason: Hey! What’s up, GI Bro?

Beth Phoenix: HOLD IT! Look no further, Triple H! I am the lawyer you need!

HHH: Greeeeeeat.

Tough Enough Jessie: ORDER! We’ll have order! This session of the Wrestler’s Court is now in session. The honorable judge The Whole and Complete Undertaker presiding.

BONG!

The Whole and Complete Undertaker: Triple H, you stand here accused with a crime under the penalty of death. Do you understand the charges being brought against you?

HHH: No, not really.

Tommy Dreamer: The prisoner, one Hunter Hearst Helmsley, stands accused of irreparably and irresponsibly destroying the world of professional wrestling ten years ago.

Undertaker: Defendant, how do you plead?

HHH: Innocent you old zombie! You were there just as much as I was.

Undertaker: Very well. Prosecution, you have the floor for your opening statement.

Edge: Look at this guy. We’ve all been here for ten years. We know the score. I mean…can a girl get a salad over here? Triple H is guilty as hell. It’s a joke!

Phoenix: OBJECTION~!

Taker: The defense has a rebuttal?

Phoenix: While my client very likely did cause the collapse of the WWE Universe-

HHH: Hey!

Phoenix: You probably can’t prove anything. I bet most, if not all, your evidence is circumstantial.

Randy Orton: Oh man, I had a circumstantial one time. It still stings.

The rest of the Jury Box nods in agreement.

Edge: The prosecution calls to the stand Kane.

Undertaker: Can you please state your full name for the court please?

Kane: Dr. Reginald Kanus Taker, DDS.

Edge: Reginald, isn’t it true that this man, Triple H, ruined your life?

Kane: Yes. Ten years ago he had sex with a mannequin on TV and said it was me!

Edge: Really? That’s what you’re going with? Sex with a mannequin on TV? Hey, if that’s a crime, I’m guilty too.

Undertaker: That IS a crime.

Edge: Oh.

Kane: And that was MY WIFE! THE MOTHER OF MY CHICKEN PARMESAN!

Edge: You were on a break!

Kane: AAAAAAAAARH!

Edge: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Undertaker: Granted.

Edge lays Kane out with a chair.

Edge: I’d like to call to the stand another guy whose life Triple H ruined. Test!

T.E. Jessie: You can’t. He’s dead.

Edge: Murder!

The Jury Box mutters incoherently.

Edge: Fine. If I can’t call one guy Triple H murdered, I’ll call the next best thing. The Portuguese Man of War!

HHH: Justin! My old buddy, old pal!

T.E. Jessie: Could you state your name for the court?

Justin Credible: I’m not just the coolest. I’m not just the best.

Lance Storm: I’m Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

Credible: And I’m Justin Credible.

T.E. Jessie: That’s long.

Credible: It’s a family name.

Edge: Mr. Credible, you seem like the…er…credible sort. Can you please explain what happened to you during the winter of 2002?

Credible: It was awful! I was forced out of my body and…violated!

HHH: Oh, come on, Justin, I never violated you!

Credible: YOU TORE MY SOUL OUT OF MY BODY AND THEN STOLE MY CORPSE!

HHH: Oh. Thaaaaaaat. Yeah. Come on. It wasn’t like you were doing anything with it!

Credible: I WAS LIVING IN IT!

Murmurs come from the non-existent gallery.

Phoenix: OBJECTION~!

Undertaker: You’re objecting to the fact that his corpse got stolen?

Phoenix: It’s Justin Credible! I mean…what was he really doing with it? Being on X-Factor?

Undertaker: Hmm…Sustained.

Credible: WHAT?!

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?!

Undertaker: Justin, you’re horrible. Just let it go.

HHH: You know, I’m getting sick of all my friends turning on me. First X-Pac, then Nash, and then…Hall probably? I don’t know. And where’s Shawn Michaels when I need him most? Sitting at home prancing around on his cow couch. This is the stupidest frigging thing ever. I’m still not even sure what I’m on trial for. Or why they haven’t killed me.

Phoenix: Who are you talking to?

HHH: The folks at home.

Phoenix: What the hell are you talking about? Nobody is watching this right now!

HHH: It does take me back, though. To the heady days when Lance Storm was an action figure. When Val Venis ran Monday Night RAW-

Val: Wait, that was real life?

HHH: When Maven was the next big star in Hollywood! When everybody wore Hammer Pants and we were proud of it, dammit!

Dreamer: I also remember some or all of those things!

HHH: You see, guys? It wasn’t so bad, ten years ago! We were all young and innocent and hopped up on Stacker 2 Bees and Stone Man Still Austinberg.

Austin: Whatever happened to that guy?

HHH: Clearly this has all been a silly misunderstanding, and I forgive all of you. I’m really sorry that I was such a jerk all those years ago. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have had sex with that mannequin. That was a bad move, but we’ve all made some bad moves, haven’t we? I mean, Tommy, didn’t you used to eat out of the urinal?

Dreamer: I still do. Is that…bad?

HHH: And Undertaker, didn’t you spend most of that time jobbing to Maven and pretending that you rode motorcycles? I mean…that sure as hell wasn’t cool.

Undertaker: He’s right.

HHH: And I don’t know what grudge you could possibly hold, Tough Enough Jessie. You weren’t even alive back then.

T.E. Jessie: That’s true, I’m only nine years old.

HHH: So let’s just let bygones be bygones. We’ll just show up next week on RAW, and it’ll be just like nothing ever happened. Let’s be honest with each other, as bad as things have been at times, we’re still family, and we don’t know how much worse things would be over in the other WWE Universe.

Edge: You know…maybe he’s right.

Dreamer: I’ve been convinced by everything everyone’s ever said to me.

T.E. Jessie: We’ve all been so wrong. WAAAAAAAAAAH!

Undertaker: You know what? Booger Red was the worst gimmick name I think anyone’s ever had. Case Dis-

Demon Girl: What the hell are you all doing?!

Edge: Nothing!

T.E. Jessie: Nothing!

Undertaker: Nothing!

Credible: Sooooooooooooooooooomething.

Demon Girl: Declare a recess. We can’t continue with this farce now if you’re all going to get dewey eyed at Triple H misremembering the horrors of the past. Drew, bring him back to the prisons, we’ll deal with him again next week.

Everyone but Undertaker leaves.

Michael Tarver: Mr. Taker! A Rather Officious Looking Penguin dropped off this briefcase! He seemed to be very intent about getting it in.

Undertaker: A briefcase?! But that’s-

David Hart Smith: He says it’s for the prisoner’s eyes only.

Undertaker: How the hell would you know that?

Smith: I speak fluent penguin, sir.

Tarver: What should we do?

Undertaker: Well…let him eat cake. Tell him “Happy Satireversary” for me.

To Be Continued….