In the beginning Vince created the ring and the backstage. Now, the concept of pro-wrestling was formless and empty, run by hillbillies and fat rich men in saunas, the spirit of Verne Gagne haunting the water.

But Vince said, “Let there be a nationally syndicated TV deal” and there was a nationally syndicated TV deal, and he merged all but one of the territories. And he called his territory WWF and the other territory “NWA”. That was year one.

Some years passed and in those days Jim Ross issued a decree that a wrestler should be signed, so Killer Kowalski went down from Greenwich to the town of Stamford in Connecticut to register his new student. And while they were there, he was given a snotty rich kid gimmick and sent off to live in an old car with Kwang, because there was no room on the heel bus.

And there were shepherds living backstage keeping watch over the Bushwackers merchandise by night. An angel appeared to them, and the GLOW of wrestling shown around them, and they were sore afraid. But the angel said to them:

Ivory: Do not be afraid. I bring to you good news of great joy that will be for all wrestlers. For today, in the town of Rochester, a new king has been born to you. He is Triple H, the King of Kings. This will be a sign to you: You will find him in the locker room, and he will hold you down.

And so it was that Vince McMahon so loved the wrestling world that sent his one and only son in law, that whoever cheers for him shall not perish, but have eternal sports entertainment.

In a barren wasteland….

Chris Jericho: YEAH BABY! I’m back! Have you been watching my viral videos, suckers? I’m here to save the WWE Universe…AGAYN! Hello? Where the heck is everybody?

John Cena: Oh, hey, Chris. Allow me to explain, in rap.

Jericho: No, I really do-

Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YOOO! YOOOOOO! YOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Universe is dead,
We all killed it,
Triple H got torn apart,
Because the Universe willed it.

We were sick of his crap,
So we all went along,
But I guess we killed everyone,
So I think we were all wrong.

So now pro-wrestling,
Is a barren wasteland,
The Satireverse is dead,
I…don’t have a rhyme for wasteland.

Sorry, I’m a bit out of sorts,
I haven’t been of good cheer,
But without competition,
I can say THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Jericho: So, what you’re saying is that this is the end of days?

Cena: I guess so.

Jericho: The end of days? And there’s a full moon rising? Again?

Cena: I-

Jericho: Can you believe in love?

Cena: Can I!

Elsewhere….

The Rock: Jesus. The Rock wouldn’t wipe a monkey’s anus with the destruction of the WWE Universe. Oh well, at least this means I can get back to “act…HEY! You! Yeah! You! Get over here. The Rock has words for you.

Maven: What could you possibly want with-

Rock: Don’t give The Rock any of that crap, fruit loop. You’ve been ruining The Rock’s career. Running around Hollywood! Now The Rock can’t get a serious acting job because nobody wants to hire “That Maven kid” for anything! The Rock was supposed to be Will Smith in Men In Black 3, but now he can’t even be Wil Wheaton in Stand By Me 2!

Maven: Come on, Rock, you can’t seriously believe all those vicious rumors of me stealing your name.

Rock: Come on, Maven. Just man up and appologize!

Maven: I’m sorry for doing The Toothfairy.

Rock: Was that so hard?

Elsewherer….

Edge: Ob…objection?

Chris Tian: I don’t think they’re listening anymore, man. We’re just sitting here waiting to die. Or…poof out of existence. Or something.

Edge: Oh man. Can a girl get a salad at least?

Christian: I doubt it. The only green thing I’ve seen around here is David Otunga.

Edge: Hahahahahhaha!

Christian: Hahahahahahaha!

Edge: Seriously, though. This sucks.

Christian: I guess this is a bad time to tell you, but Grandma Eunice is pretty pissed off that you dropped your last name.

Edge: Ugh! For the last time, there already was an Edge Tian with a SAG card! I had to change it!

Christian: You tell that to Gamma!

Meanwhile….

Sheamus: Geez, I wish I had a little less limes and a little more Kane.

Kane: Surely, I will be with you always, to the very end of the Satireverse.

Sheamus: Thank the Great Fella in the Sky!

Meanwhiler…..

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am AFRAID!

Ric Flair: That’s ok! I’ve got a plan! A plane! We just need to find a plane, because I’m a jetflyinlimoridinwheelindealinbabystealinbrokedrunkshoeelbowdroppin-

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the GLOW Girl’s Chocolatechip! And I don’t not have a plank, but I have summer thing even bitter!

Batista: Is it LOVE?!

Flair: Is it gold? WOO!

Orton: Nope! It’s our grapest fiend in the whole whipe worlds! Todd!

Tazz: Why the hell did you bring me here?! TNA still exists at least! Now I’m going to die with the rest of you, you jerk!

Orton: It’s a Crustmust mackerel!

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Tazz: Is that my salad bowl?

Meanwhilest….

Stone Cold Steve Austin: So…you want to do this?

Bill Goldberg: Are you kidding? I haven’t been the same since we split! Austinberg? YOU’RE NEXT!

Austin and Goldberg embrace, a bright light blasting from their bodies as they merge and become intertwined into the wrestling dominating creature known as Stone Man Still Austinberg.

Sean Cold Val Venis: Yoo hoo, guys! Wait for me!

Austin: Noooo!

Goldberg: Noooo!

Stone Man Still Austinberg: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Val touches the pair and the light immediately fizzles and the universe itself seems to belch, leaving a slimy mass on the floor.

Bastion Booger: So that’s how it happened!

In another pocket universe….

Rob Van Dam: Lance, promise you’ll never leave me again!

Lance Storm Action Figure: Rob, I never left you in the first place. I was always in your heart. But I promise that I will be here with you until the end of things. Forever your pal, Rob. Forever.

RVD: Yeah!

Storm: All right!!

Tommy Dreamer: Wait a minute, you guys! Rob has a big plastic action figure in his heart? How is he still alive?

RVD: Oh no! He’s right!

Storm: Guys, I was only speaking in met-

RVD: Oww…how could…this…happen?! My only regret…is that…I never….wore a singlet…..

Dreamer: You did though. All the time!

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

And then RVD collapses into Lance Storm’s Kung Fu Action Grip. Rob Van Dam has fallen. Orton wins! On the other side of existence itself….

Dean Malenko: I never did get the broad. I’ll always regret that.

Ron Simmons: Shoot.

Nunzio: Wait, are you talking about Lita? Man, you must be the only person who never got with her. I mean, even Joel Gertner, man. Think about that.

Malenko: Hmph. Well, she did say that if we were the last people on earth. It’s awfully close. What are the odds that she walks into this gin joint at this hour, boys?

Lita: I’d say pretty good, sailor.

Malenko: Mam, I should let you know that I never had a nautical gimmick.

Lita: Shut up and let’s have a live sex celebration.

Edge: Objection! That’s copyrighted!

Lita: Get back to your own reality!

Lita pounces on Dean while Matt Hardy cries. On what seems like another planet….

WWE Chief Priest Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m WWE Chief Priest Dr. The Boogeyman! And I’m coming to RAPTURE YOU!!!!

Koko B. Ware: Oh boy!

Mantaur: You do realize that he said “Rapture” and not “Raptor” right?

Koko: …No. Aw man.

In the cold, lonely North….

Berzerker: HUSS! HUSS!

On Twitter…..

@heelziggler: Anybody still getting tweets here at the end of the world #heel
@TheBellaTwins: nope our mutual phone broke besos!
@AJLee: I’m a girl that loves video games, why aren’t I more popular?
@JerryLawler: i lik ur boobz a/s/l
@JRBBQ: @JerryLawler Oh King #not again
@HowlerMonkey316: #OOHOOHAHHAHH!
@ShawnMichaels_: @HASANYBODYSEEENTRIPLH? HAVNTHEARDFROMHIM GETTINGVERYCONCERNED!!!!111 FINALLYFIGUREDOUTWITTER! VERRYPRODUOFMYSELFAND #WHYSPYR! PRAYINGFORTIM

Off Twitter….

Abe Orton: Where do you think things went wrong for us? Was it when I admitted to liking jaws? I mean…I love me some jaws, you know?

Jon Hnnrnnr: For me it’s when I had sex with Michael Cole. I think that derailed my whole train.

Abe: Dude! You’re probably as responsible for this whole mess as Triple H was! Apologize right now!

Hnnrnnr: Nah, man. That happened on Smackdown.

Abe: What’s that?

Hnnrnnr: Exactly.

No Divas appeared at the end of the world.

Schinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: No sign of any WWE Divas or our own Iron Chef Wrestling, Chris Masters. Just Kitchen Stadium filled with a bunch of greasy hipsters and animals.

CM Punk: Hey, would you mind getting out of here? I’m kind of squatting in this stadium while I wait for this whole end of the world business to blow over.

Fukui: Say hello to CM Punk for me!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Fukui-san, I’ve finally decided to do it. I’m going to make an honest woman out of your mother. We’re getting married!

Fukui: Really?! You know, I didn’t think I’d ever say it, but I’m really happy for you two.

Hatori: Who’s your daddy? Come on…Say it. Who’s your daddy?

Fukui: Would you stop?

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead. Please.

Ohta: It’s getting pretty crazy go nuts out here. Lions laying down with lambs and stuff.

Fukui: Wow. I guess this really is the end of the world. Well, thanks for visiting us here in kitchen stadium, folks! It’s been a real pleasure.

Hatori: So has your mom.

Fukui: The world is ending! Would you please, for the love of the Great Fella in the Sky, LAY OFF IT FOR ONE SECOND!

Hatori: You’ve been such a disappointment of a son to me.

Fukui: I AM NOT YOUR SON!

Outside Kitchen Stadium….

Mark Henry: I’m sorry, bear. I just…I just wish I was a bear. Could you imagine how many people would be in the Hall of Pain if I was a bear? I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A BEAR!

Bear: Rawr?

On a little island, floating in the distance….

Jeff Hardy: And now, for a poem.

Roses are red,
Armoires are brown,
Imagi is awesome,
And totally real.

The Miz: Really? Really?! That doesn’t even rhyme!

Hardy: It rhymes to the ImagiNation. In fact, I’m turning it into the next hit song from peroxwhy?gen?

Miz: That isn’t a thing! You’re just a crazy drug addict who lives in a volcano that you made out of Legos!

Hardy: But it is I who got all the armoires.

Miz: I don’t get that. What’s the point in all that armoire gettin’ you guys used to do.

Hardy: Preparing for today, silly mortal. Come Imagi! Let’s take off in our magic armoires!

Jeff ducks into an armoire and is never seen again. St. Elsewhere….

Aurora Borealis McMahon Helmsley Levesque: So…that’s the end, huh?

Vaughn Vince McMahon Helmsley Levesque: Woo Woo Woo, you know it, sis.

Murphy Brown McMahon Helmsley Levesque: I wish you wouldn’t talk, Vaughn. It’s so disconcerting.

Vaughn: Well, what do we do then?

Aurora: I was going to elect to cry.

Murphy: Sounds good to me.

McMahon Helmsley Levesque Family: WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Eugene shakes his head and sets the snow globe back on the shelf. A rather officious looking penguin stops sweeping the floor, a tear in his eye.

Eugene: Worst. Wrestling Parody. Ever. None of it even made any sense! I can’t believe I wasted ten seasons following these guys. Nothing ever got resolved. I mean, great. They killed Triple H. And everybody else. That I can get behind, but it’s so unrealistic! Ugh. I can’t wait to go post about how terrible this was!

William Regal: What the hell does he see in there? It’s just a stupid snowglobe of Michigan I picked up. He’s been staring at it for ten frigging years!

The Undertaker: You know, William. I just don’t know.

BONG

THE END

I hate “Good Bye” columns. Quite frankly, I think they’re silly (because the person rarely ever leaves for long) and because, quite frankly, I think the person often has an awfully inflated view of themselves.

I have no reservations about either thing. I’m not really going anywhere. While the RAW Satire has come to an end, I suspect that I’ll be back to writing infrequently about wrestling within a month. And I already know that I have an awfully inflated view of myself.

But I think it’s appropriate, after writing about wrestling in one comedic form or another that I take a look back. After all, I can remember sitting in my dorm room at the University of Wisconsin back in 2004, thinking this thing wouldn’t five years, much less ten, so I’ve earned the right.

I started writing about pro-wrestling back in the heady days of Geocities looking for three things:

1) Fame
2) Money
3) Women

Not necessarily in that order. And happily, I can say that I’ve met exactly zero of those goals. I originally set out with the Satire specifically, to get wrestling fans to take our favorite television show about men solving their problems by wearing just underwear all day less seriously, and I’m proud to say that I am taking wrestling even less seriously than ever.

Ultimately, however, I think it was time to put this old girl down. 10 years is a long time to be making fart jokes (just ask John Cena), and with some significant changes in my professional life, I just don’t have the time to devote to a weekly ten page opus about Triple H pointing at his crotch anymore.

But I really would like to thank every person who took the time to read this column. I hope that you got some enjoyment out of my unique perspective on the wrestling industry. We’ve gone a lot of places together over the years, and your support has meant a lot to me, especially during some of the more difficult periods of my life.

There are a handful of people I’d like to send a special thanks to:

-Rick Scaia: For being my partner in crime for almost the entire run of this column. Rick is what made this work for me and the Satire, and I definitely owe him a huge debt of gratitude for everything he’s done for me over the last ten years at Online Onslaught.

-Jeb Tennyson Lund: I haven’t talked to Jeb in a while, but he’s as responsible for the success of the Satire as anybody. He took it from being a weekly message board post that probably would’ve died out after the first year or so, to being what it is today.

-CRZ: He took a shot at completely unknown guy and gave him a spot on Slash Wrestling. That guy: Cubsfan. But seriously, Zed has always been extremely cool to me,
and it was a thrill to get published on the old Slash.

-Canadian Bulldog: My comedy sounding board and the writer of a few of the best Satires. He’s one of the coolest dudes on the Internet, and I’m proud to call him one of my friends.

-The OOForums: Oh, I still love you guys.

-The W Forums: Classic. Their support really fueled the first year of the column, and I was probably more excited to read their feedback than they were to read my column.

-Jessie Ward: For being so good natured about all the ribbing I gave her over the years.

-Satire Superfan Marvin Powell: For having the Satire Bible even more memorized than I ever did.

I’m sure I’m forgetting a million other people, and for that I’m really sorry. You can still get ahold of me at the old address, rawsatire@hotmail.com (I‘m also taking job offers, bookings, and charity!), so I’d love to hear you complaining that I never thanked you at the end of my column. There are so many cool people and fans that I’ve interacted with over the past ten years, I know I’m forgetting a few dozen of you, and I’m sorry.

I’ll still be around here, and I’m hoping that I can bring you some cool things in the near future. So let’s not end this by crying. I’ll see you soon. So long, and thanks for all the fish.

-Matt Hocking